Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
