i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize