When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
