Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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