If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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