i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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