Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
