I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
