did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
