quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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