Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
