been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
