You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Panties = found
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
