Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
