I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
