I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
