I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
