I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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