i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
