I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
