sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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