MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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