..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
