WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
