how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's never too late to be topless.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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