Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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