Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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