Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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