Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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