We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
