I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
