I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
