sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
