I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
