She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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