I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
