he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize