I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
