If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
