I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
