I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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