Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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