one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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