My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
