remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
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