I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
