just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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