while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
True strength comes from lack of pants
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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