Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you will always have a special place in my vag
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Randomize
