You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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