I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
