Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
