Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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