i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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