I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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