I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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