3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
our cab driver is having phone sex.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
