im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
