You're like the curious george of whores
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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