I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
